he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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