i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
