I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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