I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
