I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
