i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Two words: blizzard sex
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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