Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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