So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
