I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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