$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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