just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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