I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
