I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
