A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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