My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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