So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
