Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
