I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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