Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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