yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
