Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
