Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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