for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
