i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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