P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
