Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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