She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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