my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She's like a pop up book from hell.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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