Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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