i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
