Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
