my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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