Just fell off a train. Bad.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
