My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
