They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
