I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
