Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
