I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
