Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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