Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
