so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
