Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
