I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
