After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I want to be your penis for a week.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
