dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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