Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
