Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
