There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
