I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
