You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
