My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
