then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
