So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Text me some of your sweat
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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