some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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